Chapter 8: The Real Reason Relationships Fail

The imbalance is still very much alive particularly in relationships where real men and women come together and try to relate to each other. When I married my philosophy professor many years ago, I thought that I had married god. Everything changed one evening when the children and I were making Christmas cookies in the kitchen and he was in his study reading about the meaning of life. “Isn’t thisssss the meaning of life?” a small voice in my head queried, and things in my life started to change. I began asking questions such as, “What is an authentic life?” “Are the children and I part of it?” “How do you feel about how our life is going?” “How do you feel about all my questions?” His response was always the same. “What do you mean ‘how do I feel’?” I entered the place where so many women find themselves -that of realizing that their partner has no idea what they are talking about when they move into the realm of feeling. I arrived at the place where so many other women are today –that of realizing he really just didn’t “get it.” According to experts, most who are male, most men are asleep emotionally. They are passive and numb. They fear intimacy. Yet, most males and females are still trying to relate to each other based on beliefs that don’t work. The Myth of Romantic Love, for example, has for centuries, ensured that women were to blame for all the problems in the relationship. More recently, the “Men are from Mars” series sold more books than any book other than the Bible. During the 1990’s, when theories tried to convince us that there was no difference between men and women, women clamored for this book in hope of finding answers for their relational problems, and because Gray was an “expert,” they bought into what he said. The truth is that these books are manifestos of misogyny. Because men are from Mars, he states, they don’t know they are supposed to take the garbage out or tell her they love her. Further, it‘s her fault for not understanding him and trying to change him. Twenty to thirty years after the women’s movement, women are still buying into patriarchal values when it came to relationships. Even Dr Phil, the most recent expert admits that he just doesn’t “get it.” His perspective was/is that everything is equal and both partners are equally responsible. While this sounds good and finally begins to hold males accountable, the truth is that it is not equal.